Vomitus
It was a friday night. The cookies were done baking and I was ready to walk out the door. I was dressed, had the cookies in a tupperware with a little label recommending the proper dosage. I felt good. A little too good. I had forgotten something upstairs in my room. My the bed looked inviting. hhmmm. What was the line from Something About Mary? It goes something like - that's like going out with a loaded gun! How can you expect to play it cool if you haven't released the pressure? yeah. There's nothing like a little cookie to make the self-love soooo good. And there's still plenty of time to get to the party.
Recovering from my interlude I go back downstairs and start towards the door. I have the bus schedule, I have the cookies. I have my phone. Oh, wait, someone called. Probably W to get directions to the party. I check the message. No. It's A. How did she know? How can she have such impeccable timing? Of course I shouldn't have called her back then. I mean, shit - I'd eaten a cookie and a half. I was high as a kite, horny as a 16 year old boy - much better off going to a party then talking to an Ex on the phone. But how could I resist? What was she doing calling me at midnight on a Friday night? And I did ignore her last call. It would be cruel to not call her back. immediately. chances are she wouldn't answer anyways. but she did. there it is. the sound of her voice. so tiny and sad and far-away.
Let me spew forth my love torn spleen upon thee. Let me revel in angst and emit tumultous anguish and bore the world to tears with the tales of unrequited love. Tender reader, I advise you now to avert your eyes from the drudgery of what lies ahead. Return a few pages/chapters/ days or years later. Perhaps like a fine wine, you will find the story improved with age.
What a long strange trip it’s been. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. When will I learn to let go? Should I even try?
It’s very exciting that A is actually going to counseling now. But I am so bad. I was totally ready to have phone sex with her tonight. I would have felt so bad tomorrow, and she is the one who said, "I don’t think we’re supposed to do this." It’ so hard to express where I am and how I feel without going too far and violating our boundaries. Like I told her, I wish I could say that we could see each other, and we would talk and we wouldn’t have sex, but I just can’t say it – it’s not true. I do want to have sex with her and I don’t have that kind of self-control. Part of me is relieved to hear that she’s been having a hard time – (I can figure that is why she didn’t call, instead of it being that she’s so happy she just doesn’t think about me any more.)
She also acknowledged that she and M are in a relationship just by virtue of how long they’ve been doing it – and she said she was sorry for cutting it off so abruptly with me. I feel like that’s kind of big – maybe it’s not really. She’s acknowledging that it was hurtful, but not only that - but also that maybe it wasn’t the best thing to do, and that maybe it complicated it all and made it harder to resolve things with me.
I told her about wanting to ask her if it was worth it, and she asked if what was worth it? And when I said whether being with M was worth breaking up with me about, she said she hadn’t even thought about it that way before – although now that I've pointed it out, in effect that’s the way it is. And she acknowledged that part of her getting together with M may have been to bring an end to what we were doing – not all of it, but perhaps part of it.
Part of me had wanted to tell her to fuck off – it’s too late. I’m done and I’m moving on, but I didn’t. I made myself vulnerable again – I let myself want her. And I let her know that I wanted her. Maybe now I can move on? I don’t know. I need to get laid, regardless. I have reached the point that I’m not caring so much about the relationship/emotional setting of the sex – I just need some god-damned affection. I need someone to push me up against the wall and press their body up against me, to run their fingers along my sideds, to cup my breasts and nuzzle them. Anyways, you get the point. I need a good fuck. But even a good fuck is not the same as saying that I’m really and truly done with A.
What does it mean for her to say that she wants to want me to move on and be with someone else so that it’s not a possibility for us to get back together? Wait a second! Isn’t she the one that got all indignant about someone saying that to me? Funny that, no? Well, no, actually, what the other had said is that she did want me to be with someone and be happy – not that she wished she could want that, but that that was actually what she wanted. So it is different – perhaps in a way even more fucked up.
So what do I do with this? Has anything changed or is it all just staying the same? She’s going to go on a neo-zen buddhist retreat. maybe. She was talking a lot about feeling depressed and overwhelmed with her life – she has no creative outlet, no sprititual outlet, she’s not taking time to exercise. How can I expect her to be in a relationship if she’s not taking care of herself? I can’t make her take care of herself. And I can’t take care of her for her. She has to do it herself. I have to let her do it herself. But I want to be there and give her hugs and kiss her so she smiles and feels good and wants to take care of herself.
A, my monstruous love. You know how much I love the sound of your voice, the feel of your hands and your intense eyes with their dark and wild brows. How much I want to be inside – how much I want to feel you wrapped around me, excited and tender-hard. When we were talking, I think I must have mis-heard you because I thought I heard you say that you wanted me inside, but I realized you must have been saying something else. It’s just what I wanted to hear you say.
You said that you were thinking about what it would be like if we were closer together – you said you saw something you weren’t supposed to see – me in my shirt dancing to the milkshake song. That even the gay boys can see that I’ve got it. That's right baby, I got the organic melons. You were silent – thinking – were you thinking what I was thinking? You said you weren’t doing anything – but you sounded surprised (disappointed?) that I wasn’t either. I said your name. A. Just like I used to say it. And you said my name. S. Just like you used to say it. I wanted you so so so much then - like a stuttering cliche-ridden 12 year old girl reading a harlequin romance. We were silent. I think that might be when I asked you what you were doing? You laughed and said “nothing”, what was I doing? I said “nothing”, but I was thinking about it. I told you I was thinking about it. I didn’t tell you how I’d arched my back and taken my breath in. Or that the room had become suffocatingly hot and I didn't feel so cold anymore - that I was just waiting for you to lay your hands on me, waiting for you to say you wanted me too. Baby - I love you so much. So much, so much. I miss you. I wish I could kiss you goodnight and fall asleep with our limbs intertwined listening to you breathe and feeling your body start in your dreams. I wish you could love me the way I love you. I wish you could love you the way I love you. Would it really be so bad to let the rest of the world disappear? at least until it reappeared? Perhaps the difference is that for you it reappeared. For me, it is still gone.
Recovering from my interlude I go back downstairs and start towards the door. I have the bus schedule, I have the cookies. I have my phone. Oh, wait, someone called. Probably W to get directions to the party. I check the message. No. It's A. How did she know? How can she have such impeccable timing? Of course I shouldn't have called her back then. I mean, shit - I'd eaten a cookie and a half. I was high as a kite, horny as a 16 year old boy - much better off going to a party then talking to an Ex on the phone. But how could I resist? What was she doing calling me at midnight on a Friday night? And I did ignore her last call. It would be cruel to not call her back. immediately. chances are she wouldn't answer anyways. but she did. there it is. the sound of her voice. so tiny and sad and far-away.
Let me spew forth my love torn spleen upon thee. Let me revel in angst and emit tumultous anguish and bore the world to tears with the tales of unrequited love. Tender reader, I advise you now to avert your eyes from the drudgery of what lies ahead. Return a few pages/chapters/ days or years later. Perhaps like a fine wine, you will find the story improved with age.
What a long strange trip it’s been. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. When will I learn to let go? Should I even try?
It’s very exciting that A is actually going to counseling now. But I am so bad. I was totally ready to have phone sex with her tonight. I would have felt so bad tomorrow, and she is the one who said, "I don’t think we’re supposed to do this." It’ so hard to express where I am and how I feel without going too far and violating our boundaries. Like I told her, I wish I could say that we could see each other, and we would talk and we wouldn’t have sex, but I just can’t say it – it’s not true. I do want to have sex with her and I don’t have that kind of self-control. Part of me is relieved to hear that she’s been having a hard time – (I can figure that is why she didn’t call, instead of it being that she’s so happy she just doesn’t think about me any more.)
She also acknowledged that she and M are in a relationship just by virtue of how long they’ve been doing it – and she said she was sorry for cutting it off so abruptly with me. I feel like that’s kind of big – maybe it’s not really. She’s acknowledging that it was hurtful, but not only that - but also that maybe it wasn’t the best thing to do, and that maybe it complicated it all and made it harder to resolve things with me.
I told her about wanting to ask her if it was worth it, and she asked if what was worth it? And when I said whether being with M was worth breaking up with me about, she said she hadn’t even thought about it that way before – although now that I've pointed it out, in effect that’s the way it is. And she acknowledged that part of her getting together with M may have been to bring an end to what we were doing – not all of it, but perhaps part of it.
Part of me had wanted to tell her to fuck off – it’s too late. I’m done and I’m moving on, but I didn’t. I made myself vulnerable again – I let myself want her. And I let her know that I wanted her. Maybe now I can move on? I don’t know. I need to get laid, regardless. I have reached the point that I’m not caring so much about the relationship/emotional setting of the sex – I just need some god-damned affection. I need someone to push me up against the wall and press their body up against me, to run their fingers along my sideds, to cup my breasts and nuzzle them. Anyways, you get the point. I need a good fuck. But even a good fuck is not the same as saying that I’m really and truly done with A.
What does it mean for her to say that she wants to want me to move on and be with someone else so that it’s not a possibility for us to get back together? Wait a second! Isn’t she the one that got all indignant about someone saying that to me? Funny that, no? Well, no, actually, what the other had said is that she did want me to be with someone and be happy – not that she wished she could want that, but that that was actually what she wanted. So it is different – perhaps in a way even more fucked up.
So what do I do with this? Has anything changed or is it all just staying the same? She’s going to go on a neo-zen buddhist retreat. maybe. She was talking a lot about feeling depressed and overwhelmed with her life – she has no creative outlet, no sprititual outlet, she’s not taking time to exercise. How can I expect her to be in a relationship if she’s not taking care of herself? I can’t make her take care of herself. And I can’t take care of her for her. She has to do it herself. I have to let her do it herself. But I want to be there and give her hugs and kiss her so she smiles and feels good and wants to take care of herself.
A, my monstruous love. You know how much I love the sound of your voice, the feel of your hands and your intense eyes with their dark and wild brows. How much I want to be inside – how much I want to feel you wrapped around me, excited and tender-hard. When we were talking, I think I must have mis-heard you because I thought I heard you say that you wanted me inside, but I realized you must have been saying something else. It’s just what I wanted to hear you say.
You said that you were thinking about what it would be like if we were closer together – you said you saw something you weren’t supposed to see – me in my shirt dancing to the milkshake song. That even the gay boys can see that I’ve got it. That's right baby, I got the organic melons. You were silent – thinking – were you thinking what I was thinking? You said you weren’t doing anything – but you sounded surprised (disappointed?) that I wasn’t either. I said your name. A. Just like I used to say it. And you said my name. S. Just like you used to say it. I wanted you so so so much then - like a stuttering cliche-ridden 12 year old girl reading a harlequin romance. We were silent. I think that might be when I asked you what you were doing? You laughed and said “nothing”, what was I doing? I said “nothing”, but I was thinking about it. I told you I was thinking about it. I didn’t tell you how I’d arched my back and taken my breath in. Or that the room had become suffocatingly hot and I didn't feel so cold anymore - that I was just waiting for you to lay your hands on me, waiting for you to say you wanted me too. Baby - I love you so much. So much, so much. I miss you. I wish I could kiss you goodnight and fall asleep with our limbs intertwined listening to you breathe and feeling your body start in your dreams. I wish you could love me the way I love you. I wish you could love you the way I love you. Would it really be so bad to let the rest of the world disappear? at least until it reappeared? Perhaps the difference is that for you it reappeared. For me, it is still gone.
posted by Sadie Myles at 12:42 AM
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